Understand this is an incomplete thought, I only hope whoever reads this will be able to accept this as a humble and sincere offering of the things going on in my head. well im still debating whether or not to post this, but im too tired to read it again to see if it needs alteration. So here it is. hopefully ill be able to work on it later.
This morning it didnt work out to go to church. As a result I was reading in George MacDonald's Unspoken Sermons a sermon on Mark IX 33-37 and its counterpart scripture in Mathew. Its the scripture where Christ picks up a child and says "Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me; and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me." and in Matthew it says "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." This came after the disciples had been arguing about who was greatest in the Kingdom.
Anyway, I dont know how it relates but it occured to me while i was reading why i hate these clothes. It's one of my weaknesses, as i walk the street and consider the people i see, these clothes change my attitude. Maybe this is not a struggle for others, but it is for me. Of course it could be just that they don't struggle with it because they don't see the problem. Then again, the reason for dressing nicely is the acceptance and approval of man so perhaps it is not so difficult to err this way. Inadvertently, in accepting that i must dress nicely, i also accepted the attittude that goes along with it. The attitude concludes: I now deserve respect because of my appearance, that other people who are dressed similarly should consider me an equal, educated and intelligent. This is one of the ideas I most despise of all the twisted concepts constructed by the human mind. Even more importantly, it sounds as if it is one of the things God most despises. The idea of position, of respect and acceptance, the desire for them above the love of man and God, and the dependence upon physical appearance for the aquisition of them.
When I walk down the street and hear someone behind be mumble "rich boy", i want to vomit. It horrifies me that people expect the same of me as they have come to expect in those people. To the contrary, when i wear my tattered out of style clothes, no one gets the idea that I consider myself better than them, and I see myself more clearly. Yet is only an outward expression of a heart matter, and perhaps an unnecessary one.
This is not to say I am going to change the way I am dressing. It is to say that i will guard my heart from these attitudes. For I do not see the clothes as the problem. Only the manner in which i wear them. It would be easier to wear different clothes and not have the struggle, but maybe it is a struggle that needs to be fought. Another possibility is that maybe i should apply the scripture that says "If your eye causes you to sin.....". So i don't know what to conclude, except that i am weak and selfish, thinking of myself too much.
This is my heart, confused and in disorder, waiting to be fed and corrected. As always i wait for the Spirit of God to pull it together, to "Complete that work which He has begun " in me.
Thank you Father, for the witness and conviction of Your Spirit.